There was fighting, ignorance, stubbornness, cancellations, toxicity, emotional torture, and let’s not forget the constant competition of who cared less. We just didn’t work and I know that killed him just as much as it hurt me but lord knows he was a hell of a lot better at hiding that than I was. We were actually crazy about each other, I know, hard to believe right? I mean, there were times I hated his guts and I swore to myself I would never talk to him again and I meant it too, at the time.. But it never lasted long, eventually we made up, apologised, fucked, you know.. The usual “make up” stuff. But it wasn’t long until the next fight, and I think it just got exhausting, you know.. To keep going round in circles. The routine got boring and there’s only so much pain you can put yourself through before you say enough is enough.
He broke my heart. Or perhaps I broke my own. I’m not sure, I can’t quite decide really. It’s not like I went into it blind folded, or maybe I did, maybe I chose not to believe the things he said. He told me what he had done to other girls, about how he made them fall in love only to make them fall apart, he told me he never stays around for long, he told me my feelings had no place in his life, you know? Like, he made sure I was aware, well aware that we wouldn’t skip along happily into the sunset at the end of the story. Instead it was more like “and in the end you’ll be crying on your bedroom floor texting my phone and I’ll let it ring while it sits on the table as my lips are pressed against a girl who isn’t you” kind of thing, and God knows that’s exactly what happened. I spent months crying for him, screaming for him, my heart mourning for him every single second of every single day. But I mean, how mad can you really be at someone for being exactly who they told you they were? I knew how it would end and yet I read the book anyway, went along with the storylines as if the moments of happiness were supposed to last despite already knowing they wouldn’t but pretending they would for a good few chapters.
And one day, he realized enough was enough and i tried hard accepting it, tried accepting that we weren’t supposed to be. Maybe in another lifetime but certainly not this one.